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eugenia IS

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and the sounds of night take over. and by sounds of night, i mean my suitemates yappin and my roommate snoring.

there is a strange luminescence cast by the outside lights. and even so, i stumbled to my desk to write this because my side of the room is covered in all of my stuff. my guitar, my photography, clean clothes which i haven't had the motivation to put away because my closet is such a mess. i just don't care about it anymore. and if i had a couch i'd sleep on it tonight because my bed is covered in who knows what. it's cold now. layers are the key. i want it to be summer again so i can get a tan and more clearly define my watch tan and driver's tan. going down to camp and winston and whereever else started it. and i was/am proud of it. but the fading of the tan makes me sad because it just reiterates the changing times. the changing seasons, the changing feelings. and i read back through this and wonder why i just associated life with a fading tan.....oh well.

i've been working crazy to fill my time. because when i'm idle like this i think. and when i'm idle like this i think too much. i'm building a 6 foot linear sculpture in design 2. i'm quite proud of it so far. i handsawed this log and carried all 6 feet of it upstairs. i worked on the scroll saw and built a maquette and felt powerful using the power tools in my hat and my chacos and socks. and i feel a sense of accomplishment since i've thrown myself so completely into my work. i've spent hours in the dark room this past week. being inspired, creating prints, working in the graphic arts labs and playing around with layout programs. i've gotten so many compliments on my work in all of my classes this semester it's been very great. i've never been very good at displaying things that i'm good at, or allowing people to compliment me. i've kept them very much hidden. especially my music. it's something that i'm truly good at, but people never come in contact with that part of me. it was weird my senior year when i had one of the the leads for our musical. i was the first thing people saw, the first notes they heard, the first to create the atmosphere of the entire performance. i'm great under pressure. i don't ever get nervous when i'm performing in a setting such as that. but if i sat down with someone and played my guitar, i'd play it quietly and half assed and hum barely audible above the strumming. why is it that some people, such as myself, can't take compliments or take pride in what they are good at? when someone compliments me i usually respond by looking down and doing this sort of giggle thank you. i'm perplexed with myself. with my inability to uninhibit my inhibitions. but it's also weird because you take things like being drum major, which is definitely both a physical and mental skill, and i was FINE. i could call drills and direct and march all day long. but then you have things like the musical when after the show the cast sticks around and people would come up to me left and right seemingly in awe of what they had just witnessed come out of me. and right there i wanted to put a disclaimer about not wanting to brag, but why should i not want to brag? because singing is a talent i know i possess. i got leads, i was in the elite choir, i went to mars f-in hill and all state chorus. i know i'm good at it, but when people tell me that, i don't know what to do with it. i don't know how to react. when i played my flute in the wedding, same thing.

i've been very lucky to have been blessed with so many talents. there is little that i have done, that i didn't excel at. i am intelligent without effort. the capacity i have for knowledge is increasingly amazing. i am naturally artistic and expressive, and yet i hide it. i excelled at the sports that i enjoyed. softball in particular. i could have been great and maybe playing in college if i had been more serious about it in high school. i miss softball a lot, but alas, i am grossly out of practice. playing the flute in 6th grade came as naturally to me as if i'd done it for years. i taught myself guitar and am pretty decent at it. i play trumpet, clarinet, saxophone, french horn, piccolo, bass. maybe my intelligence is the root of all this. sometimes i can't believe how smart i am and how i can remember so much random CRAP like i had to do this summer. i don't understand how i can write with such ease. or be so lucky in life. in most aspects. i take for granted a lot of the things i'm good at sometimes. computers for example. i understand them, i can work them, programs are easy, everything is easy. how the hell is it that people don't know how to print or change the font on microsoft word, huh? explain that. i don't understand people who are tone deaf. it's something that i can't comprehend. and what do these last few sentences have to do with anything? i don't know. but i'm working on these things. working on sharing my gifts and applying myself to be able to better apply my talents to acheive goals. i've started by taking my guitar outside newland and sitting outside and just playing for hours. (until it got cold). i get into this zone when i'm playing and its such an amazing feeling. i don't know why i haven't shared it with people. and i think people are surprised when they hear me sing. i don't think i look like a person who could have a voice like i do. it's surprisingly sweet and melodic.

maybe i've placed myself into a commonplace category. it all comes with such ease, i don't see how it could be anything special because it's just a part of me. i think that's it. when people compliment my photographs or my layouts, i don't understand the fuss because it was so easy. how could anything that is so completely easy and work free be special? and how could my voice be anything special or the songs that i write be anything special, when it takes so little effort? and maybe i don't ever think about sharing them because they are such a part of me, they don't seem separate from the person i am all the time.

--

i don't know what all of this was supposed to mean. driving around so much lately has created so many words in my head. and why does 2am and these other early morning hours foster such thinking? maybe i'll try to say hi another time, i gotta find a way to get inside your mind. what a crazy day. what crazy news and sites. i still don't like it or accept it. i wonder how long. wander, wonder. long while since i've got myself across. cut the net. fall in deeper. never knew. my gift is my song and this one's for you. remember?

sun over the moon

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5am, no sleep, music, road. the roads are empty save for leaves and the remnants of the storm. these mountainroads keep me awake, tho i've had no trouble with it, hence my 5am drive. retracing drives, remembering turns and curves and road names. isn't it funny how you can remember exactly what you were thinking the last time you drove by? isn't it funny how the sight of a curve and a road name can bring back the feelings, the moment, remembering. and even non-paved roads are tackled with their many ruts and boulders in the middle of the road and the back end sliding around curves is satisfying. overlook ahead and i pull off. i get out of the car, aware of how alone i am, i stand on the edge of the wall and see the valley extending below me and it's strange to be above the trees, but if i look behind me the mountain extends far beyond my reach and sight in the darkness. but i look out at the lights of the distant city (must be lenoir?) and the speckled lights of the houses closer. i lay on my back and the sky is almost cloudless and i try to find the constellations that i know. and i remember my past entry in here about how deep the sky is when you lay on your back and how it engulfs you in the dome and presses its weight upon you while the breeze keeps it light. the stars always have made me smile...

but the night air quickly seeps in and i get back in my car heat blasting, window down. people always thought it was weird that i did that, but as long as i've been driving at night, i've kept them down. by now it's 6:15 and the sky begins to lighten and a few clouds become visible near the horizon, dark masses against a turquoise sky. and the turquoise fades to deep blue and to black and i've always thought that the sky before the sunrise was gorgeous. it must be time for work or something because the signs of people waking up come. lights turning on as i drive by and cars appearing on the road. the huddle house parking lot was beginning to fill. i take a few other random turns and end up back here after sitting outside to watch the sky a bit more. i wanted someone in the car with me because driving is sometimes better with conversation and i've been having the same conversation in my head for too long. but instead i concentrated on the scenery, glancing up at the sky every once in a while, but still the familiarity consumed. but i didn't mean for it to. out the window behind me the sky is brighter. and thus, my night, my morning. i came back to the dorm to discover the CAP person making out on the couch. she's getting paid to make out. what the hell.

and there are no traces of night in the sky anymore. g'night.

i flew too high and, like icarus, i collide

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risking my thoughts have yielded unexpected results. and i dreamed a snake bit me last night. what does that mean? i don't remember it hurting in the dream. and i'm surprised i remember my dream at all.

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just for fun i went to a dream interpretation website....

Snake
To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream, signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced. The snake may also be seen as phallic and thus symbolize dangerous and forbidden sexuality. The snake may also refer to a person around you who is callous, ruthless, and can't be trusted. As a positive symbol, snakes represent transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes.

what the hell. it's like horoscopes...insanely vague and widespread to tempt you find a sense of understanding in even the most obscure aspect of it.

Sep. 24th, 2003

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reduced to reading about

insomnia, thoughts, melodies.

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outside at 4am. cloudy skies, the breeze blows a discarded paper around the wheels of the cars of the people sleeping. a black cat comes around the corner and stares at me, the light catching and reflecting the immense yellow of its eyes and it ran on. how perfect, i thought. its amazing the things you notice when you're trying to think about anything other than what consumes your thoughts. the trails of light that emerge when you look at the street lights. the way smoke curls. it's a saying, but i've never paid attention and, oh, does it curl. and i watched each inhale and each exhale. and it started to rain and still i sat. knees tucked, hood up, head in my hands. the wind whispers when no one is awake to hear it. the world goes on and it's so early. i became aware of how loud my breathing sounded when the wind subsided and the silence of a sleeping population rang in my ears. and night subsides to day. nothing gold can stay. i created a melody to distract me and even that was consumed as i hummed, as i sang, ever so quietly as to not disturb a silent air. they couldn't have told me, that it would be like this. oh, but it is. night sky, storm clouds, black cat, melancholy melody, me. should i succomb to sleep or fight it? control. i am afraid of what i will think about if i try again, as it's the factor that drove me out in the first place. and if i should fall asleep, what would i dream? and if i should dream, will i want to wake up? and if it's awful, will i want to wake up? and if it's great, will i want to wake up? and it shouldn't be affecting me like this, and i didn't think it would. but that's what happens when words haunt you, and gazes haunt you, and thoughts of words haunt you, and you wish like no other to go back and force yourself to speak. even if it means shedding tears, even if it means not being able to speak. sometimes tears are words enough. sometimes emotions are conversations. sometimes not being able to speak, speaks for itself. and i would have one last embrace and i would breathe into your shoulder and still i would sit here. at 5am. with tears in my heart, dried on my cheeks, seeped into my shirt. and to press post would mean revealing myself and my pain and how much this sucks and how much i didn't know it would affect me. and i would have watched you walk away, instead of closing my eyes and silently cursing my silence.

home...where everything is free

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events in boone led me to come home for the weekend. i had about 4 loads of laundry...my mom did it. it was awesome. i also ate until the point of bursting tonight. we cooked out and had steak and chicken and green beans and broccoli and potatoes and corn on the cob and flaky layer biscuits. it was beautiful.

a great weekend to relax and sort things out and be able to veg out in a place bigger than a concrete box like my dorm room (where i'm sure my roommate didn't leave all weekend). last week was a weird one for me, but this coming week is going to be great. i don't know why, but it sounds fun.
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weeks and days and hours. it all leads up to life going on with or without you. prepared or unprepared. awake or asleep. times seem so far gone and things have changed. change is not surprising in itself, but this has been. i'm spending a lot of time at the barn and i'm loving every minute of it. as long as i can remember i've wanted to be around horses and the times i looked forward to were the times when i could be around them. pulling up to the barn and getting that first hint of the barn smell makes me smile. hay and horses and feed and leather...it's heaven. being able to get Shadow and go out on the trails in the mountains that i love has been great. riding up to moses cone or down to bass lake...there's just something about it that a lot of people don't understand. the smell of fall is rushing into the mountains and in the mornings when i walk outside, i breath in the chilly air. side note: chilly is a dumb word. i've gotten back into the swing of the dark room after a couple month sabbatical since color photography. i love it like always. dark rooms are also another thing people don't fully grasp. working in the low light with the hum of the machines and the exhaust system, seeing your creation projected onto photographic paper and taking it to the trays and watching it develop. breathing in the odd, but good, aroma of the chemicals and moving amongst the people seeing others works and hanging your print up to dry, knowing that what you have captured is beautiful. its a very soothing, calming, therapuetic process, walking back and forth fixing exposure times and running prints through the chemistry and working with your hands and creating. these are the things that calm me down and keep the world beautiful even amongst the crap that happens during the day. emotions are released with the pounding of hooves up a long hill to a gorgeous house on a gorgeous mountain. emotions are released with each rock of the tray, watching my images appear. late night phone calls, tears, laughter, more laughter, night drives on winding roads leaning back and watching the clear night sky and the stars and the reflections. wrestling in crossroads and in front of the computer lab and in front of jimmy's. great times this week...great times this life.
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'Everything was dead quiet, and it looked late, and smelt late. You know what I mean- I don't know the words to put it in.'

'The sky looks ever so deep when you lay down on your back in the moonshine.'

'the stars was shining, and the leaves rustled in the woods ever so mournful; and the wind was trying to whisper something to me and i couldn't make out what it was, and so it made the cold shivers run over me.'

not for climbing...

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i got to hang out with a great dog again last night. and great people. it was pretty much the same people as last friday. and last friday seems like it was forever ago. yesterday i also hung out with horses all day which was amazing as always. almost got killed and trampled, but hey! that makes life exciting right? i'm doing too much day dreaming and not enough doing. and the circles and the ages and the ages.....

Sep. 13th, 2003

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i thought it wouldn't be fun, but it definitely was.

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